If there was anything that made me weep for American manhood, it was those goddamn Spawn action figures that cropped up in every game geek's cubicle over the past five or six years. Yes, they were pretty, and they were cool, but action figures are meant to be hauled outside, thrown around the sand box and melted with magnifying glasses. They are meant to be played with, not to be desk sculpture. When you are in your twenties, you should be out drinking beer, reciting poetry, and chasing girls. You should not be spending your hard-earned money on toys that do nothing but sit there. (I got no problem with adults buying toys. In fact, I'm all for it. Being an adult means you have more money and can blow it on toys that do possibly dangerous things. Plus, you can pay for health insurance.) I had plenty of junk on my desks, but I think having Legos sitting around is quite different from having Medieval Spawn Variant Number Six perched on top of your monitor.

My opinion of these chunks of plastic and their creator, Todd McFarlane, hasn't gotten much better. If anything, MacFarlane Toys' product line has gone from Slightly Weird to Sweet Baby Jebus Call The Men With The Straightjackets Now. Take a look at their website (no, I'm not going to give 'em a link; they have enough traffic already) and hunt around for the Twisted World of OZ line of action figures, and tell me the designers aren't in need of some serious counseling. Put the sculpting tools down, Todd, and step back.

I imagine it's only a matter of time before Todd & Co get it into their heads that history needs a dose of its “twisted” point of view. I shudder to think what the McFarlane “Twisted Canadian History” line will look like after they get their mitts on poor John A. Macdonald.