Do you want to live forever by dying horribly? Do you want your horrible death to be for a good cause? Do you want generations of Seattle public school kids to look at your name and think, “Wow…this was a generous person who died horribly for me.”

No, I’m not asking you to take up arms in the name of public school. I’m asking you to donate to my kid’s school’s playground renovation project and ensure semi-immortality for yourself by becoming a character in my latest book.

In order to finance Phase II of the project, we need to raise $40,000, and we’re doing that by selling bricks and pavers that will bear engraved messages for eternity. If you buy one, you can be a part of my book. How? It’s easy.

If you buy a $100 brick, I’ll name a character after you who will die horribly.

If you buy a $500 paver, I’ll name a character after you who will get some snappy dialog and die horribly.

If you buy a $1000 paver, I’ll name a character after you who will get some snappy dialog and become integral to the plot and die horribly.

And, for one lucky fan who buys two $1000 pavers, your character will get to survive. Think of that! Snappy dialog, integral to the plot, and you’ll live! What a deal!

I am absolutely on the level, friends, fans, and Russian bots. Buy a brick or a paver, write that I sent you in the comments box on the order form, and you can join my next book. And die horribly.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM MY KOREAN FAN CLUB
Q: Is this serious?
A: You bet your sweet boots it is, friend.

Q: But, like…really serious?
A: Really serious.

Q: Wow.
A: You know it.

Q: But what’s the book?
A: Right now, it’s a proposal and sample chapters.

Q: Wait, so it’s not a real book?
A: Not yet. But I got a good feeling about it.

Q: What’s it about?
A: A high school reunion and the end of the world.

Q: Ah. Hence the dying horribly.
A: Yep.

Q: But what if it doesn’t sell?
A: Then I will self-publish it. You will see your name in print as your namesake dies horribly.

Q: But it’s a school playground. Won’t only the students use it?
A: The whole public will get to use it outside of school hours. Our Seattle Department of Neighborhoods grant requires that.

Q: Will there be swings?
A: No, Seattle Public Schools didn’t allow that.

Q: THAT’S BULLSHIT!
A: You’re telling me. Liability, man.

Q: Wait, why are you fundraising for a playground on a public school?
A: Because the State of Washington’s screwy tax structure and the GOP’s obsession with gutting the civic commons means this is how it’s gotta be.

Q: Man.
A: You’re telling me.

Q: When is the playground open to the public?
A: By summer of 2018, we hope.

Q: Seriously, no swings?
A: Sorry.

Q: Man.
A: I know.