It’s been a busy two weeks since our last venture to the mailbox, and it ain’t getting any prettier. Some new candidate mailers, some ballot initiative screeds, and more dead trees. Spin, Founding Fathers, spin!
I’m redoing my measurements: from now one, I’m counting who’s spending the money. Which means a candidate may be on a mailer, but unless it’s stated he’s spending the bread, it won’t go in his tally.
I never liked Joe Lieberman. Never. I didn’t like him the first time I heard of him in an article in Next-Gen magazine where he talked about controlling the content of video games. I read the interview and thought, “This fucker’s a Democrat?”
And when Al Gore chose Holy Joe as his running mate, I was pissed. That jackass who sounds like the Dad from “Alf” is going to be up on the bully pulpit? Gargh.
But you know what? Today’s news from Connecticut sweeps all that aside. Go, Ned, go!
So, some time back in 2004, I went to a fundraising party for Barbara Boxer. I bought two shirts, and the host was nice enough to give me a giant doggie bag of Hawaiian food. It was a pretty good evening, and I came away thinking that Boxer had her shit together.
And then I saw this.
We just came back from seeing An Inconvenient Truth.
Never in my life have I wanted to a) give a wedgie to an executive from GM and b) get someone elected to the Presidency.
Just run, Al. For the love of God, run.
The best part about Election Day isn’t the beauty of democracy, the joy of voting, or any of that high-falutin’ crap. No, it just means that by 8pm, the robocalls, the flyers, and those goddamned commercials will stop. Peace will reign…until the next special election that’s bought by people who can afford custom-built legislation.
This just in: scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory have reported that President Bush’s balls are now visible from space without the aid of a telescope.
“It’s quite remarkable,” said scientist John Specks at JPL. “Back when he was running the first time, saying he was a ‘reformer with results’, we could only see his balls with satellite imagining. As the Bush Administration has continued, talking about WMD’s and connecting 9/11 with Iraq, his balls only got bigger. We’re having a hard time maintaining image resolution because of the incredible growth rate.”
With his current statements about not meeting Cindy Sheehan and that “it’s also important for me to go on with my life,” President Bush’s testicles have grown to such proportions that they are visible with the naked eye from near earth orbit.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Flight Engineer John Phillips, stationed on the International Space Station. “Even when he was taunting Iraqi insurgents with his ‘Bring it on’ talk, we still needed telescopes. But not anymore. Man! Would you look at that balls on that guy!”
The White House had no comment.
Centro, Des Moines, Iowa. January 18, 2004. This was the second picture I had of my brush with broadcasting fame. In the first, I held the camphone and took the shot. Peter Jennings looked at picture and said, “Wait! Your head’s bigger than mine! Let’s do it again!”
This is the shot he took. I’ll have to toast him again tonight like I did then.