Hello. Do you live in Santa Monica? If so, please read. Note: there is potential for you to get delicious, delicious cookies.
Hi, Bobby! It’s your old buddy, Adam. Remember me? You called me last November and asked me to vote for you, and I said I wouldn’t because you were promoting that ballot measure that the I’ve-Got-Mine Homeowners association was pushing? Of course you remember me. We’re buds!
Anyway, remember how we were talking about the county ballot initiative to raise the sales tax for transportation, and how I was pretty sure we were going to get federal funding for a Westside subway extension, and you said it wasn’t going to happen in our lifetimes?
The MTA is going to start exploratory drilling in Santa Monica this week.
It’s still got a ways to go, but there will be a subway from Downtown to Santa Monica, and it’ll happen when we’re both alive and will be able to use it. And when it opens, I’ll be happy to pay for your first ride. See you on the train, Bobby!
I had this great idea, back when I got my first unsolicted campaign mailer in May. I thought, hey, wouldn’t it be funny to hang on to all of the junk mail and show how big the stack got? It would be like high school, when I got enough college brochures to fill a large box. (That was a hell of an ego-booster, by the way. Harvard wants me to apply? So does Akron College? Sweet! After we all got accepted into our various colleges, my friends and I went to the beach and had a brochure bonfire. Fire good.)
My desk became clogged with the damn things, and Anne decided that it would be in the best interests of our marriage to clear out the office of any and all extraneous crap. The junk mailers were the first things to go when I upended my desk into a trashcan. I was sick of seeing them, sick of their claims and counterclaims, and, most of all, sick of giving them more mindshare than they deserved.
So, who wins? Who cares? Another bunch of assholes will be in the city council and school board. Woo-hoo! Santa Monica’s not about to dig itself out of its development backlog, the traffic will only get worse, and the parks will still smell of urine and bums. Third Street will look more and more like every other mall in America, Montana will get so expensive that stores will only exist for brand visibility, and the abandoned house on the corner will still be abandoned. The real power is with the city manager and the city attorney, and they’re not going to get bounced out any time soon. SMRR and the Chamber of Commerce are both too funded and powerful to give up their antagonistic relationship, and all of the city’s neighborhood nag groups will only get more entrenched and uptight and high on the little whiffs of power they get from their patron factions.
If I could become benevolent dictator of California, just for a little bit, I’d make laws saying that your political group’s real purpose must be reflected in your name. You can’t be Santa Monicans for Renters’ Rights; you’re now Santa Monicans for Cheap Rent. You’re no longer Santa Monicans for Change; you’re Owned by the Beachfront Hotels. Or, better yet, you’re all Annoying Assholes Who Waste Paper, Time and Bandwidth.
I’ll be so glad when this election is over.
I was wrong in my predictions, though anything can happen within the next two weeks. Unfortunately.
The winner by volume is Santa Monicans for Sensible Priorities and its variations. Oh, I’m sure they’re all different groups made of civic-minded citizens and business owners, but they’ve dumped the most crap in our mailbox so far. They’re also beating Loosened Tie Guy’s team in the race for the Annoyance Ribbon, simply by bitching the most. Now, I know they can’t propose any policy or endorse any candidates, ’cause they’d probably have to change the filing status and come under some oversight. Whatever. Their job is to complain about the City Council, and complain they do. Rather than make me want to vote the bastards out, it makes me want to keep ‘em in, just to stick it to these whiners. Of course, the whole thing could be a brilliant ploy and the whiners could really be working for the Council…I don’t know. I’m not a jouralist, and I haven’t been able to find much in the local throwaway papers. Either way, they’re in the lead.
And a special “Fuck you!” to Victor Elizalde for robocalling me twice so far. I suppose the email I sent to Victor and his PR manager, Jean-Marie Winikates, didn’t quite sink in when I asked to be left the hell alone. But, then again, a campaign that thinks that annoying its potential constituency is a winning strategy doesn’t need my help. Oh, and a tip of the middle finger to Jean-Marie for the non-apology apology s/he sent me; there’s nothing quite as bowel-churningly bad as the way flacks pervert the English language. Thanks, babe. Get stuffed.
So far, the Santa Monica Chamber of Commerce is winning the Political Junk Mail race. The current score:
SMCoC: 4. They also win the He Who Casts The First Stone Award for sending us their first glossy flyer back in May.
The Team for Change (aka The Slate With The Guy Whose Tie Is Always Loosened): 1. They were a close second for the Whining Bitches Award, and lost to the SMCoC due to the winner’s volume of junk mail.
Bobby Shriver: 1. It was quite a nice letter, though I’m afraid he’s going to be known as The Hedge Guy unless he starts pouring on the charm (ie sending out more goddamn letters like the one we got today).
The People Who Really Don’t Like Michael Feinstein: 1. They win the Environmentally Friendly Junk Mail Award, because they sent their gripes via email.
With only Too Many Days to go until the election, I know you’re all wetting your pants to see who’s going to come in first in the Junk Mail Derby. Now that one of the members of the Team for Change has the endorsement of the SMCoC, I think it’s going to be a close race to see who pisses me off the most with their mailers. And, Jebus, we haven’t even started with the propositions.
The DNC wins on the national level, and I blame Howard Dean for that. No, not because he sold my name to the DNC (though, hey, you never know), but because I was so amped about his candidacy that I actually gave the bastards money. Hey, guys, can I at least get a handjob for that cash?
UPDATE: Now that I’ve learned that Bobby Shriver has also gotten the SMCoC’s endorsement, I think this will change the amount of mail we’re about to get. I think the SMCoC will win for sheer volume, but I think Shriver will come in a close second. I also now realize that when people refer to him, more will use the word “Kennedy” than “hedge.”
The Team With Loosened Tie Guy, I’m sure, will still be in a tight race with the SMCoC for being the most annoying political entity in the city this campaign cycle.