(And, no, Anne and I aren’t expecting. We just got married, and we’d like to enjoy these few moments of bliss before the storm of diapers, skinned knees and college tuition. File this away for later, when the kids start Googling their name.

And, on a different track, how scary will that be? Anne’s going to be the only one with moral authority, because they won’t find any dirt on her. Me, I’ve got almost eight years’ worth of spilling my guts all over the web. I’m doomed.)

Dear children-

Your mother and I want you to know that we’re proud of you. We love you with all our hearts. We’re going to do our best to teach you how to be honest, caring people who also don’t take any crap from fools. We’re not going to ask much of you other than that you do your best in everything and that you treat other people with respect and compassion.

However, there is one rule that we will enforce with an iron fist, and it is this: you are forbidden from ever appearing on any video/program/download/whatever-funky-ass-recording-medium-that’s-around-when-you’re-teenagers that has the words “World’s Wildest” or “Gone Wild” in the title.

That is all. Go git ’em.

Your parents