…it is my policy to correct spelling, punctuation and grammar. In this day and age of instant messaging, sending Tweets and cranking out notes with T9 predictive text, I think it’s important that we all strive to be as clear and concise as possible. I know that when I get an indecipherable email from someone whom I know to be a) educated and b) not dyslexic, I immediately think, “This person is a lazy dumbass.”

I’m not perfect. I don’t always edit, and I let the occasional comma or capital letter slip away, and I feel like a lazy dumbass after I catch my mistake. However, I am still fully qualified to write the following to the person who left me a drive-by trolling last night:

Dear Adam Smith-

Thank you for your email and congratulations on your nom de web. I’m assuming you’re writing me in regards to my various Tweets and Facebook messages about my personal boycott of Whole Foods in light of John Mackey’s editorial about health care in the Wall Street Journal. Using the name of the father of economic theory in a drive-by flaming about economics? Well done!

However, my joy was short-lived when I saw the various grammatical mistakes in your email. I write, so words and the way they’re used is very important to me. I wanted to give you some corrections so you’d be able to express yourself clearer in the future.

First, it should be “cock-breathed liberals.” Note the dash between “cock” and “breathed”; it turns those words into a compound adjective, which is what you intended to do.

Second, you meant to say “You are such losing cock breaths,” not “cock breathes.” Since your implication is since that liberals engage in fellatio on a regular basis, the whiff of one’s partner’s penis is always on one’s exhalations (see the first correction above). What you wrote here implies that the penis is a respiratory organ, which would be a neat trick. My backstroke would greatly improve if I could use my cock for a snorkel.

So, if we put those corrections in, plus a few more for punctuation, capitalization and missing words, your email should have read like this:

Dear Cock-Breathed Liberals,

Stop feeding off of hardworking union members and successful business owners. Move to wherever your fucking paradise is (ie Canada or France).

You are such losing cock breaths. Take your ass out of the USA.

Fuck off!
Adam Smith

See? Clear, concise language. Granted, it still doesn’t make any sense, because my understanding of the Great Liberal Conspiracy was that liberals worked hand-in-hand with unions to bring down said successful business owners. But, hey, baby steps. We’ll work on thesis statements and backing them up next week. Good luck!

Love and kisses,
Adam Rakunas

2 thoughts on “It’s not my policy to respond to trolls, but…

  1. I don’t get it. If we liberals are “losing cock breaths”, isn’t that a *good* thing, from your conservative troll’s perspective? It means we’ve given up on the sucking of the cock, right? Or at least popped some breath mints.

  2. Good point, Evan. Maybe he meant “loser cock breaths” instead. Either way, I think he gets the point across, but, hey, gotta be clear ‘n’ concise!

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